Excerpts From My Funny Life

Excerpts From My Funny Life http://seansoftley.com/alittlesatire.cfm Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:20:00 GMT http://bandzoogle.com X Box Live Adventures http://seansoftley.com/alittlesatire.cfm?feature=996203&postid=111447 <a target="_blank" href="http://media.photobucket.com/image/funny halo 3 pics/Marc1785/Halo3/motivator8187616.jpg?o=1">  I recently caved and bought an X Box 360 at the urging of a good friend of mine. Between my Mac desktop, my iPod and iPhone, my windows notebook, my Wii, and now my X Box, I am Macintosh and Microsoft’s best friend: the employed twenty something consumer; the quintessential middleclass spender with an overwhelming fear of boredom. Though it may appear that I am a tech-savvy consumer, I should point out that I a) have absolutely no tech-savvyness at all and b) have not owned a gaming system since the Super NES my parents bought my sister and I for Christmas of ’92 until my fiancé bought me a Wii for Christmas of 2008. I missed more than a decade of great entertainment. I must confess, when I bought my X Box I not only allowed, but encouraged the high school aged EB games employee (whose voice cracked every time he glanced at my admittedly out-of-my-league fiancé) to sell me everything I would need to get full appreciation out of my new toy. He did so gladly. I left the store with not one, but two headsets (my out-of-my-league fiancé is also a far better gamer than me and wanted one too) two wireless remotes, a charging station and a couple of games. To my credit, I declined the 32 gig memory card and got my games used. My very first game was of course, Halo 3. I may be new to X Box ownership, but I’m fairly certain that it is illegal under international law to own the console without also owning a Halo game. My first task as the proud new owner of an X Box 360 was to sign up for X Box live. One of the major purposes of buying the X Box was so that I could play online with the friend who urged me to get it. The X Box live subscription cost me about sixty bucks a year, which actually isn’t all that high, and allows for infinite hours of social gaming. It was well worth the cost and, I reasoned, would save me at least that much in the time and gas it would take to physically go and visit my friends. At least I wouldn’t have to go see them face to face anymore… What a bargain! The next task was to come up with a clever, comical yet still threatening screen name that would convey that I was witty and funny, but also that if one were to go head to head with me in a “lone-wolf” match, you’d probably find yourself on the business end of my energy sword. It isn’t easy to sum up your entire personality (both real and what you'd like people to think) in a 15 character screen name. “StandingSeany S” was what the random nickname generator came up with. Being unfamiliar with control pads that had more than 4 directions and more than 4 buttons, I accidentally clicked “Yes, I would love that name, please” when what I really meant was “No thank you, could I see if something a little funnier and a little more tough is available?” Isn’t it interesting that when you want to perform a very simple task that in no way could screw up anything on your console or computer you are asked three times if you’re sure you really want to do that, and yet when you’re faced with something as crucial and defining as your X Box live screen name, you get one chance and one chance only to click the correct button… There was also no “please for the love of Pete go back” button, though I mashed them all, just to make sure. No biggie, I thought. Nothing is permanent in the world wide web. I can definitely go back and fix this little mistake. So, with my profile finalized, the first thing I did was head right on back to find the option that would allow me to change my screen name. I was thrilled to see that there was indeed an option for just such a situation. If I give Microsoft credit for nothing else, I will give them this: they certainly know how to make money. It turned out that unless I was willing to spend 800 Microsoft dollars (I haven’t checked international exchange rates recently but I think that is roughly equivalent to 15 real world dollars) I wouldn’t be able to change my name. I decided that on principal, I couldn’t bring myself to exchange my Canadian currency for imaginary video game currency. I’d just have to live out my online life as “StandingSeany S”. And so, despite a few minor setbacks, I was ready and eager to play some online Halo 3 with my friends. My fiancé and I settled in on the couch, me with my manly black controller, headset positioned perfectly to avoid that annoying breathing noise, but still able to pick up my voice loud and clear in case I had to call in backup to deal with a Red Team insurgency in the northeast corner of the game map… her with her pretty white controller, headset all ready as well. We went online and after another half hour of trying to figure out why only one headset would actually work, we found out that in order to use two headsets, we would have to buy a separate X Box live account for my fiancé as well. Good ol’ Microsoft… We decided to resist that little money grab, although at that point it was purely symbolic, as we’d already sent a month’s pay to Microsoft just getting all the gear we needed. At last, all the problems were solved and I was bloodthirsty and ready to kick ass. I did not kick ass. I got p’owned repeatedly, punched out, blown up, shot to pieces and even killed myself accidentally a few times. I got tea bagged (the other player’s avatar crouches over you to make it look like they are violating your characters face), I was declared a noob to the laughter of what was either a girl or a prepubescent boy (even the pink armour and what looked to be a Hello Kitty logo on the shoulder patch did not make me completely certain since the screen name was “JohnnyDeath09”.) Worst of all, I saw all the players who had names that were so much cooler than mine. “Phantom X” and “KillaMethLab” and “Ruthless SOB”. Even “Dumbguy Juan76” had a better name then me… At least it got humour points. (On a side note, were there really at least 75 other people who wanted the name “Dumbguy Juan”?) In any case, it turned out that I needed a lot of practice before I would be the merciless killing machine that I so desperately wanted to be, but I’m moving on up in the ranks. Yesterday, my multiplayer rank was increased to Private 1st class. (I think more out of acknowledgment that I’m playing a large quantity of matches more than for winning any of them.) It was a big day for my character and I. So if you want to challenge me, look me up. “StandingSeany S” and I’d be glad to hand your ass to you. I’ll be "camping" in the “sword room” on “the pit”. By the way, for any of you who came here for the real reason my website exists: the music… My albums will be delayed... I’m a little busy with Halo at the moment.

I recently caved and bought an X Box 360 at the urging of a good friend of mine. Between my Mac desktop, my iPod and iPhone, my windows notebook, my Wii, and now my X Box, I am Macintosh and Microsoft’s best friend: the employed twenty something consumer; the quintessential middleclass spender with an overwhelming fear of boredom. Though it may appear that I am a tech-savvy consumer, I should point out that I a) have absolutely no tech-savvyness at all and b) have not owned a gaming system since the Super NES my parents bought my sister and I for Christmas of ’92 until my fiancé bought me a Wii for Christmas of 2008. I missed more than a decade of great entertainment.

I must confess, when I bought my X Box I not only allowed, but encouraged the high school aged EB games employee (whose voice cracked every time he glanced at my admittedly out-of-my-league fiancé) to sell me everything I would need to get full appreciation out of my new toy. He did so gladly. I left the store with not one, but two headsets (my out-of-my-league fiancé is also a far better gamer than me and wanted one too) two wireless remotes, a charging station and a couple of games. To my credit, I declined the 32 gig memory card and got my games used.

My very first game was of course, Halo 3. I may be new to X Box ownership, but I’m fairly certain that it is illegal under international law to own the console without also owning a Halo game. My first task as the proud new owner of an X Box 360 was to sign up for X Box live. One of the major purposes of buying the X Box was so that I could play online with the friend who urged me to get it.

The X Box live subscription cost me about sixty bucks a year, which actually isn’t all that high, and allows for infinite hours of social gaming. It was well worth the cost and, I reasoned, would save me at least that much in the time and gas it would take to physically go and visit my friends. At least I wouldn’t have to go see them face to face anymore… What a bargain!

The next task was to come up with a clever, comical yet still threatening screen name that would convey that I was witty and funny, but also that if one were to go head to head with me in a “lone-wolf” match, you’d probably find yourself on the business end of my energy sword. It isn’t easy to sum up your entire personality (both real and what you'd like people to think) in a 15 character screen name. “StandingSeany S” was what the random nickname generator came up with. Being unfamiliar with control pads that had more than 4 directions and more than 4 buttons, I accidentally clicked “Yes, I would love that name, please” when what I really meant was “No thank you, could I see if something a little funnier and a little more tough is available?”

Isn’t it interesting that when you want to perform a very simple task that in no way could screw up anything on your console or computer you are asked three times if you’re sure you really want to do that, and yet when you’re faced with something as crucial and defining as your X Box live screen name, you get one chance and one chance only to click the correct button… There was also no “please for the love of Pete go back” button, though I mashed them all, just to make sure. No biggie, I thought. Nothing is permanent in the world wide web. I can definitely go back and fix this little mistake.

So, with my profile finalized, the first thing I did was head right on back to find the option that would allow me to change my screen name. I was thrilled to see that there was indeed an option for just such a situation. If I give Microsoft credit for nothing else, I will give them this: they certainly know how to make money. It turned out that unless I was willing to spend 800 Microsoft dollars (I haven’t checked international exchange rates recently but I think that is roughly equivalent to 15 real world dollars) I wouldn’t be able to change my name. I decided that on principal, I couldn’t bring myself to exchange my Canadian currency for imaginary video game currency. I’d just have to live out my online life as “StandingSeany S”.

And so, despite a few minor setbacks, I was ready and eager to play some online Halo 3 with my friends. My fiancé and I settled in on the couch, me with my manly black controller, headset positioned perfectly to avoid that annoying breathing noise, but still able to pick up my voice loud and clear in case I had to call in backup to deal with a Red Team insurgency in the northeast corner of the game map… her with her pretty white controller, headset all ready as well.

We went online and after another half hour of trying to figure out why only one headset would actually work, we found out that in order to use two headsets, we would have to buy a separate X Box live account for my fiancé as well. Good ol’ Microsoft… We decided to resist that little money grab, although at that point it was purely symbolic, as we’d already sent a month’s pay to Microsoft just getting all the gear we needed.

At last, all the problems were solved and I was bloodthirsty and ready to kick ass. I did not kick ass. I got p’owned repeatedly, punched out, blown up, shot to pieces and even killed myself accidentally a few times. I got tea bagged (the other player’s avatar crouches over you to make it look like they are violating your characters face), I was declared a noob to the laughter of what was either a girl or a prepubescent boy (even the pink armour and what looked to be a Hello Kitty logo on the shoulder patch did not make me completely certain since the screen name was “JohnnyDeath09”.) Worst of all, I saw all the players who had names that were so much cooler than mine. “Phantom X” and “KillaMethLab” and “Ruthless SOB”. Even “Dumbguy Juan76” had a better name then me… At least it got humour points. (On a side note, were there really at least 75 other people who wanted the name “Dumbguy Juan”?)

In any case, it turned out that I needed a lot of practice before I would be the merciless killing machine that I so desperately wanted to be, but I’m moving on up in the ranks. Yesterday, my multiplayer rank was increased to Private 1st class. (I think more out of acknowledgment that I’m playing a large quantity of matches more than for winning any of them.) It was a big day for my character and I.

So if you want to challenge me, look me up. “StandingSeany S” and I’d be glad to hand your ass to you. I’ll be "camping" in the “sword room” on “the pit”.

By the way, for any of you who came here for the real reason my website exists: the music… My albums will be delayed... I’m a little busy with Halo at the moment.
]]> Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:20:00 GMT E17E218F25756111B33AA4BD8E037A98 A New Blog! http://seansoftley.com/alittlesatire.cfm?feature=996203&postid=111446 One of my little pleasures in life is reading satirical blogs and watching webisodes that are often way more funny and original than mainstream content. Things like Homestarrunner, The Liam Show (Shoes), Red vs. Blue, Douchbags With Hot Chicks, and TheBestPageInTheUniverse Even though I'm not that funny, I'm going to try my hand at it... One of my little pleasures in life is reading satirical blogs and watching webisodes that are often way more funny and original than mainstream content. Things like Homestarrunner, The Liam Show (Shoes), Red vs. Blue, Douchbags With Hot Chicks, and TheBestPageInTheUniverse

Even though I'm not that funny, I'm going to try my hand at it...]]> Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:20:00 GMT DE887AFF5111F7F99BA508839BEC9615